Monday, September 19, 2011

Three Little Hammies

The image above pretty much sums up the ongoing Cold War in our house. I mean that literally. My husband is a rather stocky, muscular man, a Tolkien dwarf come to life. I swear if I got pregnant, I'd give birth to a 12 lbs pot roast. Anyway, all that muscle mass generates a lot of heat and so he's always hot. So up (or down?) the AC goes. Indeed, a Ham in his natural environment would probably be during the last Ice Age, in "balmy" sub-zero "shorts" weather. In contrast, I'm constantly cold because of my freakishly low blood pressure. Since Ham doesn't appreciate, as I do, the hand-warming properties of his warm body for frosty fingers, I bundle up in my own house just to keep my core temperature up. 

Anyway, in the whirlwind of activity, I've neglected posting about three more Hammies that were born recently. I've been taken by surprise with the popularity of these little guys - they may outsell my regular work! While they started as a ode to my husband, they've transformed into a shared ode to those loved ones who endure our quirks, and it's such a treat to hear of your stories relating to a Hammie. So for these three new ones, let me set the stage...

I'm not the type to vigilantly maintain my computer in lean, mean racing condition. As long as it goes well enough, I'm satisfied. I'm also not the type to fanatically stay current with an operating system. I tend to stick with one, get comfortable, and drive it into the ground, so to speak.

So here I was cruising along for years, doing all my records, articles, Boat publishing, photo editing - everything - and all while blithely neglecting to clean out my computer or update my OS. It could be said I just didn't run Tiger into the ground, I augered it in. 

This would have gone on for many more years had Paypal shipping not become a thorn in my side. My version of Tiger became so outdated that Paypal shipping, among other things, became increasingly incompatible and inefficient to use. Even the USPS site became quirky. But being so spoiled by online shipping, the thought of waiting in line at the PO was (gasp) unthinkable. To rectify this I had to (finally) update my OS to Snow Leopard, and then to Lion.

To do that though meant some house cleaning on my forlorn Mac. Now my IT-guru husband religiously keeps his machines in fine shape, de-fragging and de-thising and de-thating like a proper, devout geek. So while his machines sing, my Mac sobs. Trust me - only a Mac could tolerate my shameful treatment! So. All this meant I had to empty the trash can. 

For the first time in, oh...five years!

I clicked on that little magic trash can and lo and behold - over 13,000 items sat there, having patiently waited for their destiny with oblivion. Wow. That's impressive even by my incompetent standards. So I click "delete trash" and off it goes, finally doing what it's waited so long to do. It takes 30 minutes to delete the trash can. 

I saunter back to Ham's mancave and nonchalantly quip that I'm currently deleting 13,000+ items from my trash can. He looks up at me with a blank stare...then this erupts:


But it doesn't end there. Of course not. In the process of deleting the trash can, I somehow managed to delete my browser. One that he'd spent some bit of time setting up for me months earlier. I still don't know how I did it, but it apparently had to do with icons and hard drives. Upon hearing the familiar plaintive, "Hey....Haaaaam?...", he knew I had another gem of trouble just for him.

Hammie #7: " you delete your browser? Seriously? How."

But wait - there's more! I also happen to be of the (futile) belief that if you click on something enough times it'll speed up the function of the command. That the amount of clicks actually is like circuit board accelerator. Ham has scolded me more times than I care to admit about my astute practice of this technique, but well...let's just say when electronic impulses "take too long," off I go clicking like a mad woman.

And so I managed to lock up some sort of function that was necessary for the upgrade, and what would have taken 15 seconds had I waited required a reboot. He suffered in silence, standing behind me, with his facing saying everything that needed saying:

Hammie #8: (thought bubble) --> "Yes, she did it again. I've told her a million times and yes...she did it. Again." (rolling eyes)

So there ya have it folks. Three fresh new Hammies. Suffice to say, I got upgraded just fine and everything is working like a charm now, ready to get slogged down by another five years of chaff. All I can say is this: Mac had better not come out with another OS upgrade anytime soon because Ham may not survive it.

"I was an accomplice in my own frustration." ~ Peter Shaffer

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